Haven't Apps Gotten a Bit Ridiculous

Am I the only one that thinks Apps for the iPhone, iPad, and iPod touch have gotten ridiculous? They have an App for checking your heart beat and then you can point one at an airplane in the sky to get its' flight information (that App may be taken away due to potential terrorists using it). Calling all hypochondriacs, myself included, now when you are drunk at a bar you can ask if their are any doctors in the house and hand them your iPhone to see if you are so intoxicated that it is beginning to affect your cardiac rhythm.

Well I have some of my own ideas for Apps that I think they could make this world an easier place.


1. The iPap App


This one would make that trip to the gynecologist unnecessary. No more waiting in a room with swollen ankles and baby bumps, now you can give yourself a Pap Smear with an App. In this iPhone/iPod Touch/iPad App a welcome screen would appear and you are given a choice between a female doctor or a male doctor. Once you make your selection a holographic doctor will appear and they will give you specific directions. You take a swab sample from a kit that is sent to you in the mail once you purchase this App. Once you get the sample you brush the swab on the screen and it tells you if it is normal or not. Abnormal results will have to be treated by an "actual" gynecologist, as holograms can only give directions, they can't give procedures. ( I so could have used this App this past Wednesday, sorry T.M.I)


2.  The BACtrack App


You know what sucks ass? When you go out and you get pissed drunk and then you get in a car and kill someone or yourself or you get a DUI. Introducing the BACtrack Breathalyzer App (a.k.a Lindsay Lohan App). Simply log into the App and blow your breath on the speaker of your Apple device. The App will tell you what your blood alcohol level is and whether it is safe or not for you to get into a car. It can also tell you if your breath is bad, and will kill anyone due to the intoxication factor. If your blood alcohol level is over the legal limit the App will stay on and track whether or not you are getting into your car and driving. If you do decide to drive the BACtrack App acts as a GPS system and gives your location to the police. Good luck without a license you dick.


3. What's My Baby? App


Now with your iPhone, iPad, or iPod Touch you can be riding a CTA bus and show everyone that you know the sex of your unborn baby just by waving your Apple device by your baby bump. Now this App only works if you are six months or more pregnant.


4. Don't Get Clap App


You know what sucks ass? Going to a bar and hooking up with someone and then later getting an STD because the schmuck either didn't wear a condom or you were a dumb bitch. Introducing the Don't Get Clap App. With this genius App once you see the Family Jewels or the Vajayjay wave the camera over it and take a picture. The picture will then be filed into a library of more pictures and be compared to STD pictures. The App will take approximately 30 seconds to five minutes in order to process your data and if the area in fact shows signs of an STD an alarm will go off along with red flashing lights and a message that comes out of the speakers blasting, "Get Away From Area." Disclaimer: this App is more appropriate to use with men as their plumbing is on the outside and well women have everything on the inside.


5. Play Black Jack With Jack Black App


This App has no purpose, it has only been created because the name is awesome. Jack Black teaches you how to play Black Jack, now you can go to a reservation casino and win big.....AMAZING!


6. Clear the Room App


The new iPhone 19 Generation will have an odor emitter that pops out of one of the speakers and don't worry if you hold the phone a certain way it will not affect this part of the device. Anyhoo if you are stuck in a crowded elevator or want to clear out a restaurant buy the Clear the Room App and you can fart with your iPhone,  iPad, or iPod Touch. All Apple Farts are silent and deadly and you can customize your own scent. Scent options ranging from rotten eggs, old lady farts and the best of all a combination of kimchi, eggs and cauliflower farting.


7. Where's the Sap App


This App only works in Vermont. With this App you can go maple syrup hunting in Vermont.


8. Do I Want to Tap that App


This App is a miniature version of the full body scanners they now have at most major airpots. You just wave the screen of your Apple device over someone's body and through X-ray technology it will tell you if the person is hot enough to "Tap that shit." Believe me clothes can be deceiving, there are hot guys that where tighty whities and hot chicks that wear grandma undies. This device just gives overall body shape and maps out piercings in nether regions, but it does not show cellulite. Don't judge a book by its cover. 


I am not done with my brilliant App-writing. I realize that the possibilities are endless with the iPhone, IPad and iPod Touch. 


Tell me, what do you think would make a great App


Samantha V. ♥✌♡✌♥