I Like The Way You Move

As a fashion icon I get flown almost everywhere. One thing I love is when national sports figures want to meet me because they want to learn how they too can dress fashionably. I often go to a lot of fashion shows around the world. This past month I have been to Bodybuilding Fitness NPC Fashion Week (BFNPCFW), National Hunting Fashion Week (NHFW), and then I went to the gym. So I got invited to Equinox gym because this trainer was so sucky at being a trainer that they called me in. I often get called into gyms to whip clients into even better shape. I do this by standing in front of them. All they have to do is look at me and look at my clothes and know that they will look as good if they burn off all their fat and replace that fat with clothes. Oh and then I went to a water park where I accidentally dropped my ring under a miniature Jeep and a strongman lifted it up for me. I was shocked and so achingly amazed. How amazing. 


FYI I went turkey and pheasant hunting and with the birds I killed, Karl Lagerfeld and John Galliano are collaborating on an entire fashion collection for me called Bird Couture and it's going to be entirely edible. 

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Samantha V. ♥✌♡✌♥

Partying With the Jews

Oy Vey I had to recover from my Hanukkah soirees. I do Hanukkah like a Polish wedding, it's two weeks long baby. Anyhow I'm finally posting my pics. I also go invited to Shabbat Shalom Fashion Week (SSFW). Below are some pics of the after parties. I met some really great fellow schleppers and I also got to dine with Ralph Lauren (RL) and Woody Allen. Ben Stiller was running a little late because he had to stop at the grocery store and get toilet paper. Then after our celebration he had to run off to meet his dad, Jerry Stiller so they could celebrate Festivus.

(It took me forever to escape from Egypt. I decided to depart interval style. Where was Moses when you needed him, good thing I had my life vest when I got to the Red Sea)

(Lighting candles with my homeboys)

(Almost got burned by this life-size Menorah. Donated to me by FAO Schwarz, founded

by a German this is officially a conflict of interest)

(Dinner was fabulous, Woody Allen brought some kreplach)

Samantha V. ♥✌♡✌♥ 

Happy HOLLA!-days

WWDD? (What Would Disney Do?), I'll tell you what he would do. OMG, my Holidays were amazing. I wanted to share with y'all what a great time I had. Walt Disney posthumously took notice of my amazing fashioness and he flew me down to Florida to take part in Disneyworld Christmas Fashion Week RTW (DCFW Ready to Wear). Ryan Seacrest is uber jealous of moi because Walt likes me better. FYI if you wondered where Anna Wintour and Betsey Johnson were this season they were with me. It was such a great experience and I even got to be part of a Manger Nativity Scene (MNS). I'm pretty sure Betsey stole baby Jesus. I invited my younger cousin along so she could meet the real Santa and sit on his lap. I never knew how fat Mrs. Claus was until I got up close. I think she shops at Dress Barn, I didn't know they had those in the North Pole. 


Wait till you see my partying with the Jews for Hanukah ;-)

Samantha V. ♥✌♡✌♥

My Pics From PDCFW (Pennsylvania Dutch Country Fashion Week)

So as I mentioned before I spent some time in Pennsylvania Dutch Country for Fashion Week. The Amish have been impressed with me for awhile now. They still don't understand how I can be so stylin without using a zipper. I got invited to go and they flew me out. It was awesome when I arrived at the airport I had an extra long buggy with a huge horse come pick me up. I mean this was the limo of buggies. 


When I arrived at the Peach Cobbler Inn (This is the Four Seasons of Pennsylvania) I was given an amazing basket full of cheese curds and pie. 


Below are the pics of my fashion icon-ess. I am wearing Zubaz pants, Birkenstocks with white Adidas socks, an Ella Moss top, a Pendleton jacket, flower barrettes, Gap scarf circa 2002, and an awesome visor I stole from a homeless man in Naples, Florida

View of my hotel in the background. I was put up in the Silo Suite, swank.

I told this dude that he would get way more action if his ride were pulled by mustangs instead of Clydesdales. 

        Bringing Pole Dancing Moves to the Amish

This woman smelled kinda like an old quilt that had moth balls on it, soaked in a jar of lemonade

Samantha V.♥✌♡✌♥

Something to do with Turkey Leftovers

I am a secret meat eater, but only two people in my family know, my mom and dad. I became a vegetarian at age 16 as a rebellion and now I still wear this as a badge of willpower and honor even though I am secretly eating bison, ostrich, elk and venison every week. I enjoy oxtail soup like water and because I'm a Jew I will never be turning down chopped chicken liver with schmaltz.


I have some turkey from Thanksgiving and as a I cannot eat wheat or gluten, soy, corn or milk products there are times that I get strong cravings for comfort foods. Lo and behold the substitution method. This weekend I have come up with a way to mimic the taste and look of a traditional Turkey Pot Pie, but instead I use only coconut flour and guar gum as the crust. I made Turkey Pot Pie Muffins and Turkey Pot Pie Mini Calzones. The recipe works for both. I hate typing directions so here are the ingredients, nutrition facts and pictures:


Ingredients:


-20g Turkey breast or dark meat, cut into small strips
-1/4 c. chicken broth
-3g golden flaxseed meal
-3 TBSP light unsweetened coconut milk
-28g coconut flour
-43g egg white
-24g red onion, chopped
-1/4 c. each chopped broccoli florets, shitake and oyster mushrooms
-3g guar gum
-1 tsp non-aluminum baking powder
-1 tsp garlic powder
-1 tsp parsley
-1/2 tsp black pepper
-1/2 tsp sea salt
-1 packet stevia

Samantha V. ♥✌♡✌♥

Anna Wintour At Walmart

So I hate to admit this, but sometimes I find myself stumbling into Walmart. Their prices are dirt cheap, probably due to the fact they pay like shit. I have a whole ritual that precedes the act of going into Walmart. I drink a lot of Jack Daniels and Red Bull so I'm completely fucked up and don't remember a thing. The last thing I need is the image of obesity, Type 2 Diabetes, double chins with Cheeto stains and cousins that are married to each other burned in my mind. One time I made the mistake of wearing my 3-D glasses in Walmart. I was not warned that asses look way bigger through those, I thought I was on a Whaling ship. 


Anyhow on my way in I spotted Anna Wintour and her daughter. I could tell Anna Wintour loved my "lumberjack meets 1990's grunge hooker I'm so awesome look." Yeah you could tell her and her daughter were jealous. Now what aisle is the Shake Weight in? 

Samantha V. ♥✌♡✌♥

Airport Couture

I know I am so uber fashionable, so everyone invites me to their fashion shows. I recently got comped a ticket to attend Pennsylvania Dutch Country Fashion Week (PDC Fashion Week) and let me tell you can those Amish throw a party. I got there and right away they welcomed me with a bag of cheese curds and gave me a complimentary hair cut (with a bowl). Then I got to build a house, yay, I got a splinter. My trip ended with an amazing rave that the Amish throw every year, called the Rumspringa Remake.

Anyhow on my way back from my voyage I ran into none other than Marc Jacobs. He was wearing a bikini, that's right Marc Jacobs you show that TSA who's boss, just like that one girl did that wore a bikini on Thanksgiving weekend. 

Samantha V. ♥✌♡✌♥